NEWS
SOUND RESULTS:
Hi you, visitor and friend,
hope this finds you very well no matter what!
I am, so far, good and my life brings beautiful new treasures with it!! Though I am progressing very very slowly at the moment, I do... Luckily! It were calm and good years, but also very very very disturbing ones. Lately I thought of my art & music being only for grown up people as it is too explicit for children maybe!! I love to drop one or two lines to y'all about my sound results of "L.". After my success with it or also any other economical way was simply not coming to me surely I kept on looking for the root of the disaster. What I found was so disturbing to the maximum for me I am still heavily shocked. Regarding the possible DID it feels like finding a to me so far totally unknown me. Like a me in the me in the me in the me. Do you know 'bout that literature theory or art type when an author writes a story into a story into story? Or lately I heard a pregnant lady in a YouTube show sharing her experience with her baby appearing to feel like an animal in her belly. An angry animal which boxed with his feet against her belly muscles... *lol* She said she had to instantly go to the toilet otherwise the 'lil animal'd had cause a mess with her bladder! <3 Sounds a little creepy, but sweet, doesn't it? However as okay as I am the horrific it is to me to be finding, completely on my own, something painful, frightening or horrifying like a second or third and more me in me. Like an angry raccoon or so... I keep on listening and listening and listening to my sound of "L." since like endless times trying to find out about my sound result. The more I proceeded with being able to perceive the me in the me in the me the more I got the impression these me's are surely as well imprinted into my hip hop voice, the expression of me in the song and it or they are also there alongside... me. That means I am so afraid of that and I am asking myself if the work is and was for so many years fully trash. Like, it is not even good enough for a hobby standard? Do... do I really hear SUCH weaknesses along the me I thought I'd be!? I decided to publish "L." anyway, even if I thought of it kind of forever... Or not at all being in that shock. Right now I am facing pretty strong dissociative amnesias which come with the DID and heavy flashbacks. So... as I thought I'd be working my ass off to get to a cool sound result not only within misogynistic bullying I was shaking with my identity, but especially within such symptoms and psychological phenomenas. I was asking myself if someone simply'd call the sound of me that one of a loser, ugly or too less to be published. After I was asking a friend 'bout this, also directly, if he thinks or noticed I sound like a fully weak person, like a socially too low to publish hip hop music human. I had the plan to see if he'd finally kind of find the courage to with the weight of stones falling from his heart tell me, YES!! I directly asked him if I sound like to be ashamed of? What if even the latest last and every psychotherapist felt ashamed to speak to me 'bout such "parts" of me? Like "No, nooo, it's good!" while in reality they thought "Oh my god, she sounds so awful, how can she simply not be perceiving herself? Does she not look into the mirror in the mornings?" "I mean PUBLISHING HIP HOP MUSIC and FEMALE, within THIS MISOGYNISTIC CULTURE or HEAVIEST BULLYING GANG MOBS!" Whatever, in the end they were so unimaginably wrong as I REALLY couldn't perceive myself. DID is the Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder with the heaviest difficulties with introspection. So I really did not see, feel or hear the strange animals in myself! Therefore maybe they are loudly heard, and anyone heard them my whole life, but I was not able to! That'd to be honest explain heavily conflict I had during all those years with my social circles... Though I keep my 12 songs published so they can create a change for you maybe, it teaches something about DID or the disorder I am facing and help to better everything around the health system in Germany here!! Still I have to clear further, IF the weaknesses I THINK I am hearing in it suddenly or those who ARE in it are as disturbing as they appear *lol*. Whenever you feel inspired to help me in finding out if not possibly EVERYTHING is NORMAL with the sound yet, please let me kindly know in an e-mail or any other way!! I am still looking for mentors, a new therapist or other lovely humans to support me with their great feedback and anything here! So, now I am wishing to u a light, delightful and heavily successful day, hopefully further! Stay strong always and let's keep on meditating to make steps in the direction of light, happiness plus power!! Love, Linea
MY INNER FINDINGS:
Dearest sweet reader, how sooo strange, but also unbelievably fascinating!! In the past many weeks I wrote loads of short stories, or, possibly it is only to me loads with 36 or so... As I already shared in the news below I found new and highly irritating aspects of my self around one or one and a half years ago! As I raised the hours and intensity of my meditation all of a sudden I began to perceive thoughts of me which shocked me to the maximum!! After struggling without any end ever professionally I then saw quite without a doubt the root of it!! It is that I thought: "If others constantly see all of these thoughts in me, I then clearly understand my difficulties!" EVERYONE sees and saw them??? But not me?????? Instantly I googled an satisfyingly found a lecture of a professor who shares there are people on the planet that do not know themselves being mentally disabled. It can be that they start to get to know about it step by step when they are grown-up!! Absolutely it felt like that. Me not knowing 'bout these thoughts or subtle and even gross actions while anyone around me never stop to see them... anything'd get clear with this!! I kept on watching and watching and giving my best to improve as I couldn't believe what kind of thoughts, more and more and even more, I found while researching on them!! I started to call it Whale Watching adoring the idea of my mind being the whale and I adore to watch it!! After I proceeded with looking at it I got the impression it maybe is a dissociative identity disorder as I described below! Strange, isn't it? Today I just continued with looking at my mind while transcribing the thoughts line for line as they appeared on a timeline x to my Mac paper. I practiced to "check and change" which means I check on my thoughts and instantly change any negative I meet down there in my subconsciousness!! That is a method of the Raja Yoga of Brahma Kumaris and surprisingly I heard me creating an identity which still is around 20 years old, a couple with my old boyfriend and she is infertile. She fears a lot the reaction of her boyfriend and if he might leave her!! Also she is afraid of the current new politics which says one only can be married when she or he or them are also becoming children!! As well (I named her Mateshwari as I gave a name to any of the kind of DID-like identities I met within me lately) Mateshwari never was befriended with a former female mate of her/me, but that young lady instead of her did the training as Hip Hop journalist! I am not sure if she is famous, but she definitely thinks she's an absolute No. 1 on planet earth (or she is...)... Also the me never was a Brahma Kumari and she faces loads of diffamations right now with masses of people saying she'd be!! :D Can't believe it whenever I am watching that part of me, my subconsciousness now!! The I seems to be quite functioning... *LOL* The DID is a Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. However I am wishing you a relaxed greatest time ahead that night or day or something in-between wherever u are!!! Enjoy and study the border between being awake and asleep as Salvador Dalí did in "Dream Caused by the Flight of a Bee Around a Pomegranate a Second Before Awakening" (1944)!!!!!! Love, Diana
MY WORK:
Dear loveliest visitor,
after I shut down all my art and music work for some time lately I decided to publish anything again today!! Just my problem with it were huge insecurities regarding my mental health. After many many years of therapy I found out that all of these years I was in fact possibly dealing with a completely different diagnosis! Maybe I am having to face a dissociative identity disorder (DID/DIS) instead, with parts of myself having been fully completely out of my awareness. As I put so endlessly hard work in LINEA anyway possibly the pieces of art or songs give something bright to u!! (: Please don't be irritated if nothing appears to be normal though with them. Love, Diana <3
LOU REED:
Hey loveliest reader and fan or feminist,
an amazing behavior therapist told me once about Lou Reed, who produced an album with only distorted electrical guitar sounds in his career! His aim was to express about the dysfunctionality of his system within his label... :P ;) It calmed my fear down of not being able to produce only very precious work like I am used to do and all my work of the past years carries traces of such systems of mine as well! So I fit in aesthetical elements expressing this at any places of my work daily here and there, too! ;) Hope it gives something wonderful to you, empowers u or encourages and inspires u to keep on working for your own good at first and then for every women around you... L.
LIFE, NORMALITY + SELF EXPERIMENTING, TO PLAY-ACT, JOKES 18.12.2023
Dear women, art fans and buyer,
are y'all fine and feeling great? (:
Excitedly I adore to inform u that, whenever possibly in the past you saw me outside in the city, during shopping or anywhere else and I appeared with a seemingly lack of normality, there is no reason to worry at all!! <3 Since around three years I was very busy with self experimenting (besides play-acting or joking during the day for my personal entertainment e.g.) on two three aspects of myself, the system I am facing at work, health or within the social world. It at any point in time was much much fun to me! Right now I feel very happy and am blissfully looking forward to let u know 'bout the results and insights I gained through this work. I plan to create songs out of it and to release them soon! ;) (= <3 Can't wait to share with you all of it, let you know about my experiences with the systems or 'bout how they effect me and every other faszinating point of knowledge I was enriching myself with through the studies!!! ;)
So far, I am wishing you not ending silent and very celebrational final days before christmas, plus an awesome funny time until 2024 begins!!!!!
Always take very good care, feed the poor and don't forget to write letters to God! ;) (=
Bye, Diana